Think you’re dealing with a narcissist or someone with narcissistic tendencies? It pays to find out – especially if you’re an empath.
Why?
Empathic people are often so caring and compassionate that, even though they are psychic and can feel the energy around them, they can be incredibly susceptible to the games and ploys of master-manipulators like narcissists. The reason behind that is beyond the scope of this article, but I do address it in one of my upcoming books.
Examine the list below to see if you recognize any of these characteristics in anyone you know. It is normal for people to showcase some of these patterns every once in a while; what you’re looking for is a pervasive pattern of several of the characteristics.
It’s also important to note that this is not an exhaustive list and only a qualified medical professional (like a psychiatrist) can diagnose narcissism.
#1. They talk at you, not with you. In other words, they talk and you listen.
#2. They talk about shallow communication topics. Nothing is ever emotionally deep.
#3. The conversation is always about the narcissist – not you.
#4. They have no idea that their conversation topics aren’t interesting or that they go on and on about things that have nothing to do with you. They believe anything they talk about is interesting and wonderful and you are lucky to listen.
$5. They have no filter.
#6. They are only focused on what they believe is important.
#7. They will tell you sob stories or stories about their misfortunes so you feel they are victims who need rescuing.
#8. They gossip to you.
#9. They control the conversation by talking over you, talking quickly, or not allowing you to get a word in.
#10. They may talk about you positively to others but they will never tell you to your face that they are proud of you. They do this to use your efforts or success as a reflection of themselves and they withhold affection for you to keep you under their thumb.
#11. They blame others. A lot. If you were to examine their words/actions for a few days, you’d start to see a pattern of them pointing the finger at everyone/everything but themselves.
#12. They rarely apologize unless there’s something in it for them.
#13. They are vain, self-absorbed, and self-centered.
#14. They inherently focus on their own needs.
#15. They project their view of reality onto you.
#16. They project their behaviors onto you. This is one of the key qualifiers of narcissism in my book.
#17. They will give you a little bit of attention, praise, or positivity just to keep you around.
#18. Their actions do not line up with their words.
#19. Their life is permeated by a “woe is me” attitude.
#20. They are dramatic or drama surrounds them most if not all the time.
#21. They are often negative but make no effort to change anything.
#22. They inspire fear in their followers.
#23. They are inherently stubborn.
#24. There are no alternate views. It’s their way or the highway.
#25. They aren’t afraid to humiliate you.
#26. Humility is severely lacking unless they are using it for their own gain.
#27. They exhibit “splitting” behavior. Things, people, or experiences are either “good” or “bad”. There is hardly ever an in-between.
#28. You feel confused about them or their behavior but can’t put your finger on it.
#29. Healthy individuals in your life don’t like them or are “put off” by their behavior – even if you’re not.
#30. They give you the silent treatment. This is one of their signature moves and it is abusive.
#31. They play games with you or someone important to you.
#32. They treat the person you care about (boyfriend, girlfriend, spouse, etc.) poorly – and may even do this in front of you.
#33. They disregard your or other people’s boundaries.
#34. They make small digs at you or people you care about. These are designed to devalue you or your loved one. They can be back-handed compliments, sarcasm, etc.
#35. They gaslight you. This can be anything from making you believe things that didn’t happen, or them blatantly lying to you yet acting differently (i.e., “Oh no, there’s nothing wrong, I promise you,” yet there is definitely something wrong and you can feel it.)
#36. They lie.
#37. They pressure you directly or indirectly to get their needs met.
#38. They have expectations of you or your family.
#39. You feel uncomfortable around them even if you don’t know why.
#40. They use triangulation. This is when they bring in another member of the family or a friend to you without speaking directly to that person and keeping it between them.
#41. They want you to feel small, insecure, or unworthy and use criticism, put-downs, or comparisons to accomplish it.
#42. They may show no emotion for a period of time until they eventually “burst” – often by raging, yelling, or throwing things.
#43. They exhibit narcissistic anger or rage.
#44. “Future faking”. They blame outer circumstances for their behavior, then say, “In the future, it’ll be better.” or “Once this happens, it’ll stop,”
#45. They use hoovering – an attempt to suck former victims back into their web of deceit using emails, letters, gifts, or other things.
#46. They believe they are special. They may even associate with a certain type of group whose primary belief is they are special or superior to others in some way.
#47. They dismiss or negatively stereotype entire groups of people.
#48. They put themselves in leadership roles or jobs where they can control others.
#49. They have “Yes-Men” around them. They surround themselves with small groups of people who adore them and will do whatever they say or want.
#50. They expect respect without having to earn it.
#51. They don’t like to look bad and go to great lengths to ensure they don’t – including lying, covering things up, and fabricating stories.
#52. If you try to bring up a situation with them, they get defensive and angry. These conversations often end up going on and on with no solution ever met.
#53. You feel run down, exhausted, or afraid of them.
#54. You give up arguing to “keep the peace”.
#55. You feel the need to “walk on eggshells” around them.
#56. They have or currently abuse drugs, alcohol, sex, food, or something else.
#57. They come from an unhealthy family where one or more parents was a narcissist.
#58. They have a sense of entitlement.
#59. They expect the world to stop when they enter a room.
#60. They have little to no empathy for other people.
#61. They are sensitive to criticism.
#62. They seem to have a Jekyll and Hyde personality; sometimes nice and warm, other times mean and cold.
A word about this list: I did not create this post to create a “me-versus-you” mentality in anyone’s life or relationships. I am not looking to break anyone’s marriage, friendship, or relationship up. While you will find boatloads of information out there about how terrible narcissists are and how you should cut them off immediately, my personal history in dealing with more than a dozen narcissistic soulmates over the course of my life has shown that about 50% of them HAVE ARRESTED THEIR NARCISSISM AND CHANGED. Some experts in this field may call me or my story crazy, but this is what I experienced. My “changed” relationships were not a one-conversation situation where I brought it up and it was fixed, however. These transformations occurred over a period of about two years of intense personal work each, and were not without some serious, heart-wrenching work by both parties. Along with that, each time I cut ties with a narcissist, I psychologically surrendered the outcome of the relationship, and created physical distance within it without knowing when or if it would be salvaged.
In other words, it takes tremendous courage, strength, and love to heal this type of relationship, plus the ability to walk away without knowing what the future holds. You need to be prepared mentally, physically, spiritually, financially and psychically to go it alone. Both sides also need to put in a lot of work. In all, out of the relationships that have changed in this way, the changes took a period of sometimes 10 years altogether if you include the time I recognized my need to step away and work on myself, and then became reintegrated with the individual. My relationships are also STILL a work in progress, so please don’t use this article to beat yourself up or size-up your relationships. There were times when I, someone who is usually composed and mature, beat my fists into the carpet or threw things against the wall because I was so angry. Other times, I felt like a lowly speck of nothingness on the floor of the narcissist’s personal playground, begging for any attention I could get. These are not fond memories to recant, but they do help me see how far I’ve come and how grateful I am to no longer be in that place.
If you believe you’re involved with a narcissist and are being manipulated, lied to, or taken advantage of, remember: narcissism is a complex disease BUT you have the power to walk away whenever you choose. Often times, cutting ties is the only thing you can do to steady, ground and protect yourself in the short term so that you can see things clearly.
In my own life, I have seen narcissism arrested and controlled several times, but it has only occurred in individuals who attended Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) or strong faith-based recovery programs. I am not saying that all narcissists are alcoholics or addicts or that AA or religion are better than other options or the only methods available; but, I am saying that narcissism and addiction often go hand-in-hand, and I have witnessed Alcoholics Anonymous and other Christian-based programs work in arresting addiction and narcissism.
As I mentioned earlier, I have much more on this subject in one of my upcoming books. I look forward to writing and sharing more about it with you!
What did you think? Do you have experience with narcissists ir narcissism in your life? Let me know! Email me at jp(at)jaimepfeffer.com
XO
Jaime