Have you ever been in a toxic relationship?
Most people have.
Toxic situations can be draining and exhausting. They can even make you sick.
About 10 years ago, I found myself embroiled in a toxic friendship.
I didn’t plan it, of course, but no one ever does.
Hopefully by hearing my story, you’ll see that you too can break free from toxic energy.
My story
Melissa* (name changed for privacy) seemed wonderful when we first met. She said all the right things and I thought she was amazing. She was outgoing, pretty, and really relatable. She bought me things and made me feel like the most important person in the world.
After a few weeks, though, her behavior started changing. She stopped following through on commitments, and left me high and dry a few times with both work commitments and some recreational plans we’d made. She also started acting secretly and dishonestly. When I’d call her on these things, she’d play innocent – like nothing was going on. Yet, as an empath, I knew something was up; I could feel it. I felt confused and angry, and hurt that someone I cared about would treat me this way. Most of all, I felt defrauded and cheated by someone I cared about.
What happened to the Melissa I knew before?
Was she still there?
Eventually, after a few weeks of tension, chaos, and radical ups and downs, I would usually end up feeling bad and taking the blame in order to keep the peace with Melissa, who happened to always say the right things and wiggle her way back into my life unscathed.
Unfortunately, it took me a while to learn the lesson Melissa was presenting to me and our relationship went up and down like a yo-yo for over two years.
Every time it happened, I swore I wouldn’t do it again. I had to stop believing the empty promises, and being treated like I either didn’t exist or whatever manipulation or deceit Melissa was working at that point hadn’t happened or didn’t bother me. Yet, somehow, I always found myself tangled back up in the toxic web of our relationship every few days toa week.
Near the end, I just wanted it to stop.
It felt like I had tried everything – being upbeat, acting nonchalant, and being uber-understanding – but it never felt good for me. I couldn’t understand why someone who said she cared about me would keep doing the same things that hurt me. I went backward and forward in my head constantly, wondering if I was blowing things out of proportion. When I tried to talk to Melissa about it and she flew off the handle on me, I knew: I hadn’t imagined anything. It had all happened – and it was toxic.
How had I gotten into this?
Better yet: how could I break free?
I felt scared. I didn’t want to rock the boat but I didn’t want to be on the receiving end of an empty person anymore.
Something had to change.
As the tears streamed down my face, I looked down at my hands. They were red and throbbing from angrily punching my mattress,
It was in that moment that it finally sunk in: I was the only one who could stop this cycle and pain.
Luckily, several books, courses, and a therapist later, that is exactly what I did.
Though I can’t go into every single thing I did to get off this toxic merry-go-round in this one post, I can share 3 of the best tools I used. And the good thing is, I still use them today.
1. Unplug. Like anything in life, you always have choices. You have a choice to stay around a toxic person or a choice to unplug from them and walk away. Sometimes, in extreme circumstances, the only way you can unplug is by walking away. If someone continually brings you down, it’s not only good for you to unplug – it’s necessary.
2. Create boundaries. If you’re in a toxic situation you can’t leave – like a work situation or on an airplane – think about and create boundaries for yourself. Boundaries are unwritten guidelines of what kind of behavior is acceptable and unacceptable to you. Boundaries can be physical, emotional, spiritual, sexual, or psychic in nature. Everyone’s boundaries are different because everyone is different and has varying preferences. Some people, for example, do not prefer sarcasm directed at them, while others don’t mind it. One person may not mind if their friend or sibling eats off their plate, while another may find this behavior intrusive. The important things to remember about boundaries are 1- They aren’t about other people; and 2 – They are about a person’s behaviors, not the person themselves. Good boundaries are also not designed to isolate you; they are designed to help you feel safe. Additionally, good boundaries are well-thought-out (rather than reactive), they aren’t personal, and they aren’t designed to punish or shame. They will also likely be the same across a variety of people, although they could fluctuate based on how you feel about a certain person. Lastly, it helps to include the action you will take if your boundary is crossed.
3. Communicate. It’s great to have boundaries, but they don’t work unless you communicate them. This can seem scary at first but it gets easier every time you do it and it’s paramount if your goal is to slash the toxicity in your life. Things to keep in mind: 1- People you have relationships with are used to you acting a certain way and may be surprised or caught off guard when you announce a change. Show them compassion when you tell them about your boundaries for the first time, but be kind and firm. 2- To make things easier on yourself, drop any expectations you have about how a person “should” receive your message. Give them time to process and digest what you say and don’t be surprised if they test your boundaries. Respond calmly and with class by not stooping to their level and not engaging in petty games or arguments. Another essential tip here is to resist taking anyone’s reaction personally. If the person will not take what you’re saying seriously or keeps violating your wishes, tell them calmly and firmly that you care about them but you don’t like where the conversation is going and you need to leave. And then, do it, because not following through on your actions dilutes your words. 3- If the behavior happens again at another time, repeat your boundary and follow through on it by calmly removing yourself from the situation. 4- Release any anger or disappointment you feel by refusing to take the behaviors personally and releasing any anger, resentment, hurt, or betrayal you feel. This is essential because the last thing you want to do when breaking free of toxicity is to step back in and take on more. An additional thing to do at this point is to cut any energetic cords you have with this person.
Well, there you have it: 3 ways to slash the toxic energy in your life in half.
Now, all you need to do is put them to work for you!
XO
Jaime