December 8, 2015
Have you ever been really disappointed?
Maybe you planned an expensive party and no one showed up. Or maybe you fell in love and then discovered the other person didn’t feel the same way. Or maybe you had your heart set on something big – a dazzling new house or a better job – and it just didn’t work out.
Last week, a friend of mine described her feelings of disappointment beautifully in one word:
Ouch.
Ouch is right. Disappointment can sting – especially if, despite doing everything “right”, you still didn’t get the house, the job or the mate.
It’s easy to think:
Why is this happening to me? What did I do wrong?
When my friend shared about her disappointment in her life recently, I immediately felt her pain. I could feel her ouch. All I wanted to do was take it away. I knew I couldn’t; instead, I thought of my mom, the best listener I know.
What would mom say? I asked myself. Then I responded the way I thought my mom would if I had confided my own disappointment to her.
As I drove to the gym the next day amid a soft snowfall, I thought about my friend again:
I hope she’s doing okay today. I hope she knows I’m thinking of her.
I wish people I cared about didn’t have to experience this pain.
“Wait a minute!” a high-pitched voice suddenly said.
“Disappointment isn’t all bad.”
Not that bad?!? I thought.
Painful flashbacks of college rejection letters, not being invited to the “cool” kid’s party, and discovering someone I trusted had used me, flashed through my head. Then, the biggest disappointment I’d recently suffered – not winning a writing contest – arrived front and center.
As it entered my mind, I could almost hear my heart screaming, “Are you sure you want to go there again?”. When I discovered I’d lost, the pain was excruciating … it was as if I’d received a beat-down and then had my heart ripped out. I wanted to run. I wanted to hide. I wanted to wear a bag over my head.
But then something strange happened: the sting started going away. Eventually, I bounced back, stronger than before. So much stronger that I entered the contest again.
I lost again, and it stung. But not as much.
And it also came with some incredible gifts I wouldn’t trade for the world – even winning.
As I rounded a bend in my car last week, a huge smile graced my lips. At that moment, I realized something amazing:
I hadn’t lost at all.
I’d gained courage, strength and resilience from that experience and all the other “disappointments” in my life. Instead of seeing its gifts, I’d spent a lot of time focused on the pain of disappointment.
Yes, disappointment hurt, but eventually the pain subsided.
I’m glad I didn’t win, I whispered aloud.
“Wow”, I said under my breath, hardly believing what had just come out of my mouth. – but it was true. As much as I had wanted that publishing contract, I could honestly say that if I had to do it again, I would take the experiences I gained from losing over winning the contest.
Sure, it’s much easier to talk about the positive side of a disappointment when you’re not in the thick of it, but after a few years of looking at the good aspects of the “bad things” in my past, it’s become second nature to see the benefits instead of choosing to stay in the pain.
Dropping expectations helps a lot, too – without those, disappointment can’t take root.
How about you? What positive things or traits have you gained from the “disappointments” in your life?
Have an outstanding week!