Have you enjoyed my recent posts about some of the ways people trick themselves?
Today, I’d like to move on to the last one – the SNEAKIEST and MOST DETRIMENTAL in my opinion: the inner critic.
The inner what? you might think. I don’t have one of those.
Before you write it off, stick with me for a minute; this short post could save you YEARS in heartache and missed opportunities.
If you’ve ever seen my award-winning talk, Meeting Emma, you’re already familiar with my inner critic: the belittling, bullying voice who often cried wolf in my head.
For years, I unknowingly allowed Emma to rule my life. She told me what to do and how to do it and she had a gift for sneaking into my mind without my even knowing it (and I’m psychic!)
Her words were as sharp as King Arthur’s sword, and her tactics as quiet as a teeny, tiny mouse.
Yet, what she communicated rang out to me loud and clear:
1. Your ideas suck!
2. You don’t deserve anything, let alone anything good!
3. Stop wasting your time pursuing your dreams. You’ll never amount to anything!
Now, before we move on, it’s important to note that I am a highly intelligent, strong, and yes – highly psychic – woman. I have a Master’s degree in Business and a deep background in psychology; I have coached and played an instrumental role in helping successful entrepreneurs reach multimillionaire status; I am an assertiveness coach; I am a published author; an award-winning speaker; I have four meditation albums out; for a year, I hosted my own radio show, in which I was responsible for creating all of the content, coming up with all of the guests and doing all of the marketing; and I have taught hundreds of educators and parents how to practice mindfulness, reduce stress, and live balanced lives. I don’t say this to brag; I say it because, when you see it written out like this, it may seem hard to believe that I ever struggled with an inner critic, let alone anything – but I want you to know that I have and that I understand what it’s like. I know what it feels like to have great ideas but feel afraid to share them. I know what it feels like to feel unheard or unacknowledged. And I know what it feels like to experience verbal abuse. It isn’t fun and it isn’t pretty. What I also know, however, is that it can be overcome and it isn’t as hard as it appears.
Given my background, you’re probably wondering why I allowed Emma’s tirades to go on for as long as they did. First, it’s important to note that, prior to recognizing Emma, I held myself back from a lot. Yes, I had the Master’s degree and a deep background in psychology. And, I was also psychic – but not nearly as much as I am today. But I didn’t have all the rest of the stuff I mentioned above under my belt yet. It was there, just within arm’s reach, but something kept me from fully grabbing and claiming it.
Can you guess what it was?
It was Emma!
No one will like your ideas!
No one will understand them!
They will laugh at you!
She said confidently.
And I sat back and believed her.
Until one fateful day, back in 2013, when she was … exposed.
Can you guess how she reacted?
She was pissed to say the least!
She threw tantrums. She yelled at me. She tried to sweet-talk me. Then she tried to manipulate me again, telling me I wasn’t worth it and no one would like me.
But little by little, after getting to know her, I learned that it was okay for her to get upset and that sometimes she got upset for no reason other than she felt scared. I learned that she got scared a lot, and it wasn’t always founded. I learned that the things she said to me weren’t always true and I had the choice as to whether I believed her or not.
Once I recognized her and began separating what was her and what was not, I started moving forward. I allowed myself to face my fear of public speaking; host my own radio show; become a coach; and create my own classes and meditation albums. It also wasn’t until after I met and understood Emma that I felt confident and valuable enough to receive something in return for the work I was doing for others.
It’s important to understand that nearly every high-functioning adult on the planet has an inner critic. It’s something that develops between the ages of 4 and 8, and is a conglomeration of the following:
-The development of our individuality (ego)
-Survival skills or instincts (evolution)
-The opinions and beliefs of our main caregivers (parents, teachers, etc.)
-The environments we are exposed to in early childhood
Having done a ton of work on child development, I also know that most people’s caregivers are doing the best they can. Although our parent or caregiver’s voices from these ages can stick with us and become a strong part of our inner critic, releasing any blame or resentment we carry toward another person is another big part of healing the inner critic. No person grows up saying, “I want to be an abuser when I grow up,” or knowingly berates their children for fun unless he or she has a severe mental illness. Therefore, there will come a point when you will hear someone’s voice in your head and you can choose to say, “I hear you, and I’m not buying it today.” As you get stronger and more accostomed to your inner critic, you may even draw stronger boundaries or banish him or her altogether. The choice is yours.
Now, I’d like to know:
Do you have an inner critic in your head? Does it try to keep you small?
I love your feedback and I love hearing from you! Comments are disabled due to spam, but you can email me at jp@jaimepfeffer.com and tell me.
I have a lot more information about this in one of my upcoming books. If you’re interested, please make sure you’re subscribed to my newsletter so you receive announcements and exclusives like free worksheets for dealing with issues like this.
Have a great day!
XO
Jaime